Voldemort's Control Panel
by beexfeatheryduster
Summary: Exactly what was Voldemort doing during 'Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince? M for language. One-shot.


**Authors note: Well I had the idea for this a long time ago, and finally decided to write it down. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed thinking of it/writing it- Bee x**

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The room was mostly dark except for one light coming from a large plasma screen screwed onto the wall. The room was filled with electrical equipment that hummed contentedly whilst steadily warming the environment it was in. There was a large comfortable chair on small wheels placed in front of the television screen and sitting in this chair, reclining with hands behind his head and feet up on a control panel below the screen, was none other than the feared Lord Voldemort. Of course, he didn't really strike fear into any hearts at that moment. The only thing to fear from him then was the horrendous smell coming from his bare dirty feet. If he was a few feet smaller he could have been the poster boy for the albino hobbits of Middle Earth.

The great and powerful Lord Voldemort had just sent his Death Eaters away (and they were very happy to get away from his cheesy feet) to begin their work for the year; to infiltrate Hogwarts and kill Albus Dumbledore; the other great one. Now there were three reasons that Voldemort wanted Albus Dumbledore dead. One of course, was that he had the power to stop the Dark Lord in his tracks. The second was the little known incident of Albus Dumbledore stealing Voldemort's puppy Nigel and the third, most important one was the older man's repeated rejections of Voldemort's sexual advances. This of course was before the wizard became the shrivelled, dried up prune that he was. The mere thought of that penis made the Dark Lord Voldemort shudder, and not from desire as it had when he was a younger man at the tender explorative age of sixteen.

Now Voldemort's purpose in sitting in this room with the large plasma screen, was the control panel he currently had his foul smelling feet on. The panel itself was screwed tightly into the floor (and had probably had a few Death Eaters screwing on it in the process). Now this control panel was mostly empty except for a keyboard and three buttons. One button was a bright red and glowed dully, with the word 'NO' written underneath it in red block capitals. The second button was a bright green and glowed brightly, with the word 'YES' written underneath it in green block capitals. The third button was also green but instead of glowing like the yes button, there was no light coming from it. The button had a snake emblem on it and had the words 'AVADA KEDAVRA' underneath it in black block capitals. This control panel was the Dark Lord Voldemort's way of spying on pretty much everybody in the world. He had absolutely no idea of the technicality of how it all worked, something to do with magic being infused into the equipment. All that the Dark Lord was concerned with was the keyboard to type in questions or locations or names and pressing the buttons to see or not to see what he wanted on the screen. Now what sometimes happened was that the control panel would take over itself and fire questions at the Dark Lord who merely answered yes or no. Today was one of these times and the first question flashed up on the screen. The background of the screen became black and the words thick white letters printed against the background

The Dark Lord leaned forward and read the question eagerly. He hesitated for a moment or two, thinking about his answer. The question itself was one that Voldemort found rather difficult to answer. Eventually he pressed the no button. The question became bigger until the words _'Fire nuclear missiles at Harry's big head (the one with the scar like a lightening bolt, not a tattoo with Snape's name on it)?' _filled the screen before disappearing. Voldemort reclined back in his chair, awaiting the next question. When it appeared he instantly pressed the no button. The question this time was _'see up Hermione Granger's skirt?'_ Voldemort may be evil but he wasn't a paedophile. Of course, that was not what the control panel thought of Voldemort's decision and the next question came up very quickly, underneath _'see up Hermione Granger's skirt?'_ The question was _'are you gay?'_

Voldemort was highly annoyed to say the least and irritably pressed the no button. Instead of both the questions disappearing, a third joined, slotted underneath the second. '_Are you sure?'_ Voldemort pressed the yes button and was sorely tempted to press the avada kedavra button, wondering exactly what it would do to the control panel. All three questions disappeared and the screen went blank. Voldemort reclined back in his seat again, content with the way of the world. At least until he leaned too far back and the chair fell, along with him. He, she, it (?) cursed loudly and drew itself to it's feet and glared at the chair, muttering a few choice words. The Dark Lord bent down to pick up the chair and at that moment caught the smell of his own feet. It felt like his nostrils were being strangled and he drew himself up properly and coughing and spluttering produced his wand and sprayed water over his feet. He hoped that the reason people ran from him in fear was not because of his pungent foot odour but because they genuinely were terrified of him. If that were not the case Voldemort knew that he would have to crawl into a cupboard and have a good, long hard cry with a box of tissues to wipe up his tears and the inordinate amount of snot that would be produced.

At that moment a question decided to flash up on the screen and Voldemort peered at the screen, suddenly feeling the need for his glasses again. He did not like wearing his glasses as they did have a habit of ruining the menacing image he liked to project to the world. Thankfully the screen chose to enlarge the question so he could see it clearly without need for the glasses. Voldemort was silently thankful for this till he seen the question. _'See Dumbledore naked?' _He shuddered and practically leapt onto the no button. Of course with his feet still wet and a puddle of water on the floor he ended up slipping and instead of pressing the no button in his attempt to keep himself righted Voldemort accidentally pressed the yes button. The question faded from the screen and an image of the great Albus Dumbledore totally bare arse naked filled the screen. Voldemort squealed like the little girl he really was and dropped down to the floor cowering, his arms flung over his head. He could now officially say he was scarred for life.

After a minute, Voldemort managed to steel himself and hesitantly poked his head up from the floor so his nose, sorry LACK of a nose, was level with the buttons on the control panel. The image, thankfully, was gone and the screen had a different question on it. _See Bellatrix' porn video? _Voldemort nodded his head and pressed the yes button repeatedly. Instead of being rewarded with the porn video however another question appeared underneath the first _Are you SURE your not gay? _Voldemort growled and smacked his hand on the control panel _Okay dude, jeez keep your hair on! Oh wait!_ Voldemort glared at the words and they melted away, along with the two questions. He drummed his fingers against the control panel, waiting for the next question to appear. He hoped it was something good that would be able to replace the disappointment he felt at not being able to see Bellatrix' porn video. Spying on her in the shower through a hole in the wall was completely different from seeing her in a porno.

_Steal Lucius Mafloy's porn stash?_ Voldemort stood still, thinking about the question. If he stole Lucius' porn stash, well he would have porn, but it was Lucius Malfoy's. Voldemort had no idea what would be in there and he still had tender, innocent eyes. After all, in this body, they were only over a year old. No, he would not expose them to stuff Lucius might jack off too. Voldemort tapped the no button; thankful that he had as the possibility of their being cum stains all over it made him feel much better about his choice. The next question swiftly followed at the heels of the last. _Use a loudspeaker and scream 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE' in Mad-Eye Moody's ear?_ Now that was a very attractive possibility and Voldemort smiled as he imagine the ex auror's reaction to that. As he smiled a fairy died in Mongolia.

The screen was filled immediately with the image of Alastor 'Mad Eye' Moody. Behind him there was a loudspeaker levitating just beside his ear. From the loudspeaker came the very loud words 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE' in his own voice and the ex auror jumped up into the air, his hand clutching his left arm just below the shoulder. At that moment the screen went blank again and Voldemort folded his arms across his chest and glared at the screen like the small petulant child he really was. The next question appeared and Voldemort narrowed his eyes, which were red from his permanent hay fever and tendencies to cry for at least half of every day, at the screen. _Enter into the gayest walk contest? _He stabbed the no button and waited for the next question, hoping that it would be something that wasn't taking the piss out of him in some way. Thankfully for us and sadly for him (which is a good thing) he was to be disappointed

Take lessons in salsa for the final confrontation with Harry Potter? Voldemort growled again and was about the throw himself at the screen and smash it until there was nothing left. The Dark Lord being the idiot that he was though had forgotten to clean up the puddle of water from earlier and when he jumped he slipped instead and fell again, this time his face smashing against the control panel. As he sat up and sniffled, patting his now swelling face tenderly with his hands the words ha ha sucker flashed on and off on the screen. Now with a swollen face, which did vast improvements to his facial features, the Dark Lord rose to his feet again and once more punched the no button. All writing on the screen disappeared. It only took a few moments before another question flashed up, and it served to irritate Voldemort even further Learn how to lap dance for Snape and Lucius? Voldemort savagely bludgeoned the no button and waited murderously for the next question to flash up.

_Send candy hearts saying 'I hear to dream of screwing you senseless' to Snape? _Voldemort smiled brightly. Twenty fairy's all across the world died. He pressed the yes button and barely managed to restrain himself from jumping up and down excitedly. The screen went blank and then showed an image of Severus Snape reading a book in his personal quarters. Voldemort watched on in eager anticipation as the dark haired man rose to his feet. A small pouch came flying out of the fireplace and Snape caught it in his hand, demonstrating once more his fantastic reflexes. Voldemort moved closer and closer to the screen as Snape began to open the drawstring pouch (which was really a purse) Of course Voldemort forgot that there was a large control panel stopping him from reaching the screen and he banged his shins into the panel. He cursed and started crying at the pain, rubbing his shins. As such he did not notice the colour (and there wasn't much there to begin with) draining out of Snape's face as he read one candy heart. He dropped the pouch and ran in the direction of his bathroom, one hand resting on his stomach, the other clamped over his mouth. He was obviously going to be sick but Voldemort didn't see that as he was too busy huddled over, crying and rubbing his shins like a small child. The images of Snape disappeared from the screen and all that was left were a few words that zipped around the screen happily _Aww didums. Ha ha Does baby want a bottle? _When Voldemort looked up he was barely managed to read the words as they bounced around the screen. Still crying he smacked the avada kedavra button. There was silence in the room and the electrical equipment stopped humming. The words froze on the screen and Voldemort waited with bated breath,. Hoping that he had killed the machine. The light disappeared from the screen.

Voldemort began to celebrate his victory over the control panel. His celebrations were cut short however as the screen came to life and all the electrical equipment with it. Voldemort looked up at the screen in disbelief. A few letters looped around the screen before forming into the one word _Psyche!_


End file.
